


Hold Me Closer Tiny DJ

by bmcbapej



Series: This Isn't Toxic (But I'm Still Slipping Under) [1]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Pitch Perfect 3, pre-romance bemily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-08 12:31:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13458327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmcbapej/pseuds/bmcbapej
Summary: It turns out that hostage situations aren’t exactly conducive to a good night’s sleep.orBeca and Emily share a moment that leads them both to think that although the future might be scary the present doesn't have to be.





	1. Beca's POV

Beca sighed as she made her way down towards her room at the end of the hotel hallway. She was exhausted from all the last-minute preparations they had to make in order to prepare her for DJ Khaled’s opening performance tomorrow. Actually, it was probably tonight judging by how dark it was outside when she left. She had lost track of time somewhere between the costume selection and the lighting rehearsal, and her usual method of telling the time was flat out of battery. _I really need to start carrying around a portable charger._

She yawned as she blearily unlocked the door and threw her phone towards the direction of her bed. Making a beeline for the bathroom, she quickly brushed her teeth before flopping onto the mattress. While fumbling in the darkness for her phone she could hear a faint noise from beyond the wall. She froze and, in the sudden dead silence, recognised that the noise sounded a lot like muffled crying.

She furrowed her brows as she tried to remember who held the keys to the room adjacent. The Bellas had all constantly been shuffling and sharing rooms throughout the tour and the allocations were usually more to do with who got which bathroom in the morning than who was actually sleeping where. High-School-Beca would have just ignored the noises and stayed in bed, but Present-Beca couldn’t ignore the guilty feeling in her stomach since she knew for a fact that this whole floor had been booked out for the Bellas. Realising she was going to get even less sleep than planned, she groaned as she rolled out of the bed and exited her room.

Staring at the wooden door for a few moments, she took a deep breath and tried to muster an expression that looked vaguely comforting before knocking gently on the door. The crying continued. _Oh she probably didn’t hear that._ Beca knocked again, this time more aggressively. What followed was a heavy thud and after waiting for a few moments, Beca was unsure about what to do next. On the plus side, the crying had stopped completely. Unfortunately, there was now no sound coming whatsoever from the other side of the door and that made her feel a bit nervous. _Oh God, what if I surprised whoever it is, and they fell and hit their head?_

Before she could decide on whether or not trying to unlock the door with her Taco Bell gift card would trigger an alarm, she picked up the faint sound of feet shuffling. The door slowly opened, and she found herself face-to-face (well it was honestly more face-to-neck but Beca would never willingly admit that) with Emily.

Taking in the younger girl’s dishevelled state Beca couldn’t stop herself from blurting out, “You look like shit.” She cringed a little at the heavy-handed statement. “I mean, you still look great. Just less great than usual.” Beca wondered if the ground could maybe swallow her up for a moment. Her experience with these things was virtually non-existent - whenever anything emotional came up in the Bella household she usually sent Chloe to deal with it before offering a sarcastic comment about the offending party once the crying had stopped. “Umm, forget I said that, are you okay?” _Oh Lord, of course she’s not okay what kind of stupid ass question was that Mitchell._

“I’m fine.” Emily was definitely not going to receive any nominations for a SAG Award anytime soon. Beca cocked an eyebrow as a way of telling her such. “I’m just having some trouble falling sleeping, is all.”

“It might help if you try the bed instead of the floor.” Emily followed Beca’s gaze towards the blanket on the floor and reddened.

“I sort of fell off the bed and got tangled in the sheets when you knocked.” Came her mumbled response as she picked it up. Beca suppressed a laugh. She always found it amazing how Emily could simultaneously be so graceful on-stage but so clumsy off-stage – some days it was like watching a baby giraffe learn how to walk.

She decided that following the taller girl into her room was a better idea than standing awkwardly in the doorway. “So what’s on your mind?”

“Huh? Oh, just… things.” Beca grimaced when she realised the girl wasn’t going to elaborate. She hated having to keep conversations going – in any context.

“Must be some pretty heavy things if you’re still up at,” she glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand, “3:09am.”

They stood in silence for a while as Emily straightened out the fallen blanket into its rightful place. She let out a deep sigh, which Beca thought sounded very out of place coming from the usually effervescent girl, as she slumped onto the bed and confessed, “Every time I close my eyes I feel like I’m back in that van in the ocean again.”

“Oh.” Beca had completely forgotten about that aspect of the whole Fergus debacle. While the kidnapping incident was terrifying in the moment for her, she and Amy had only come in towards the end. They also had had a (tentative) plan the whole time so there was no drawn out period of complete uncertainty. None of ~~Lily’s~~ Esther’s small house fires had prepared her for the sheer scale of that final explosion though.

“I remember how no one knew what to do. The rocking motion as we swayed side-to-side.” Beca had spent enough time around Aubrey to recognise what that facial expression and breathing pattern was indicative of.

Rubbing gentle circles on the girls back, she whispered in what she hoped was a soothing voice, “Hey, hey. You’re okay. You’re here with me right now.” Taking the way Emily’s shoulders seemed to relax somewhat as a good sign, she continued, “You’re safe. Nothing’s gonna hurt you.”

Although she was pleased to hear Emily’s breaths starting to even out, Beca frowned to herself as she realised she had no idea when it was appropriate to stop the soothing motions. She stared at the other girl, hoping to see some sort of indication as to what she was supposed to do next. Emily had really grown into herself over the past four years. Figuratively speaking that is, she was already tall when they first met.

The insecure, bright-eyed girl she had met at that Treble party had eventually developed a quiet confidence that really shone through both on-stage and off. She would still occasionally see glimpses of that shy freshmen, but it was usually when the Bellas (well _her_ Bellas, it was always weird to remember that the actual Barden Bellas were almost all complete strangers to her now) were being particularly overwhelming.

Beca had always been a bit envious of people who could confidently march towards their futures. Sure, she had a lot of faith in her own musical talents (music was one of the few things in her life that always made sense) but she had always felt like the beat in one of those songs you couldn’t quite remember the endings of. This was partly the reason she had reluctantly agreed to trying out college instead of heading straight to L.A in her freshman year (that and the fact that she wasn’t exactly in a financial position to do so without ending up on the streets).

She had always hoped that growing older would somehow grant her clarity and direction. The same sort of direction she had seen in Chloe as she chased whatever her flight of fancy was with no regards to the risks (don’t get her wrong, that shower invasion was absolutely petrifying, but you had to give the red-head credit for having the gall to do something like that). The same direction she had seen in Aubrey as she made her 5, 10 and 15-year plans to achieve success (complete with bullet points within bullet points). The same direction she saw in Emily who made it her mission to not only become a Barden Bella at all costs but to stay positive about everything that came her way (she would never admit it out loud, but it always warmed her heart a little when the girl would say things such as “let’s just all have fun”).

Music always made Beca feel things. It brought out an emotion in her that she simultaneously craved and feared. Nothing felt better than that sweet moment a mix or a song would finally come together perfectly, or that moment on stage where everything would just _work_. But then those moments would all inevitably come to an end. The music would stop, and what would follow would be a crushing emptiness that she had no idea what to do with. No, time hadn’t granted Beca any more direction.

It did grant her some unwanted clarity though. Clarity to see that even Chloe didn’t know what she was doing (Beca tries not to think about those 3 extra years’ worth of student loans). Nor did Aubrey who had ended up quitting her job at the law firm 2 years in and then quitting her job at the lodge 4 years after that. And now, remembering Emily’s earlier resigned admission that she had stopped writing songs as well as seeing her exhausted face now, Beca knew that the direction and eternal optimism she thought the younger girl had was also just an illusion.

The thought that other people might be struggling too wasn’t as comforting as she thought it’d be. It just meant that whatever she had hoped to find might not even exist. Maybe people don’t get better at holding their lives together, they just got better at faking it.

Any further thoughts were interrupted by a light snore. Beca lowered her arm after it registered just how sore it felt. Making a conscious decision to not look at the clock for fear of what it would tell her, Beca lifted the blanket and covered the sleeping girl before making her way to the door. As she was about to turn the knob, a realisation came over her. She hadn’t brought anything with her into Emily’s room - not her phone, or her id, or her _room key_. She had left everything inside her now _locked_ room.

Knowing that the hotel wouldn’t grant her access to her room without some form of id or someone vouching for her she didn’t exactly have many options available to her in that moment. Not particularly excited about the prospect of sleeping on the floor, Beca hoped that Emily wouldn’t mind her sharing the double bed.

Carefully lifting the blanket and being thankful that Emily had fallen asleep on the side of the bed instead of the middle, Beca slid underneath it as gently as possible. She feared the worst when the other girl also began to shift but a quick glance showed that she was still the only one awake. Emily had turned onto her side but the tense expression on the girl’s face proved that her slumber was anything but peaceful.

If questioned, Beca would have attempted to rationalise her next action as the result of sleep deprivation. Without really thinking, she drew the taller girl into a light embrace. Oh, if the other Bellas could see her now. Everyone knew that Beca didn’t really do hugs. After all these years, she had become a lot less adverse to being hugged, but she herself rarely initiated or responded to them (and even then, it was usually an awkward pat on the back). Beca hugs were usually reserved for those rare drunken moments where everything was just too overwhelming, or that empty instant right at the end of a big performance.

Before she could think about the strange fact that this hug didn’t feel as awkward as it should have, Emily moved in her sleep to pull her closer. While the sudden closeness was giving rise to a blush in her cheeks, it also gave Beca a clear view of the younger Bella’s face as it slowly began to relax. There was something inexplicably beautiful about the way Emily’s face looked in that moment as the last remnants of tension disappeared. Not in the way that she thought all the Bellas were beautiful, but in an ethereal and fragile sort of way.

Beca had lost count of the number of times people had called her impulsive. They would often attribute her desire to live in the moment as a general disregard for the future, but this couldn’t be further than the truth. In actuality, it was because of her _fear_ of the future and the uncertainties that it held. Many would probably say it was something that stemmed from her father suddenly leaving at a young age with no explanation, but she thinks it runs a bit deeper than that. It’s a fear she doesn’t ever feel the desire to voice aloud even if it’s an ever-present facet of her life.

In this moment however, something about the way Emily’s face just looked so _tranquil_ made her feel all sorts of ways she couldn’t begin to comprehend let alone explain. Don’t get her wrong, the future was still scary and full of unknowns, but maybe, just for now, just for this moment, the present could be anything but. And maybe that was enough.


	2. Emily's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being a bit more emotional than I expected but when I was editing over it I realised I honestly shouldn't have been that surprised.

Emily’s been compared to a lot of animals in her lifetime. The most common ones were giraffes (due to her height), puppies, and deer (the latter two were apparently because of her eyes). The comparisons weren’t always based on looks. Amy called her a drop bear once, right after her mistake at the riff-off in her freshman year (she’s never managed to find out what a drop bear actually is). Her favourite however was that one-time a girl named Annalise from her junior-high science class had compared her to a duck. Emily doesn’t remember the exact details surrounding that particular event, just the fact that her ability to take life’s curveballs as they came was like water off a duck’s back.

She’s tried to live her life with that in mind. She knows that some people find her almost never-ending optimism exhausting, but frankly she didn’t have time for what other people thought. Okay, that was a bit of a lie, she cared a lot about what other people thought. She knew, however, that opinions and situations were always subject to change so just because something wasn’t going right at that very moment, it doesn’t mean it can’t get better. Honestly, that mentality was the only thing that got her through the disaster that was the Barden Bellas during the start of her freshman year (it did get better though, _so_ much better).

There was a hidden problem in her line of thinking though. One she hadn’t discovered until earlier that day. She felt a bit stupid about it to be honest, it was such an obvious consequence. You couldn’t have light with darkness in the same way an Oreo wasn’t an Oreo unless it had the cookie _and_ the cream. When excitement morphed into horror at the realisation that they were on their way to a kidnapping instead of a USO reception, it dawned on her that whilst her belief that things could always change for the better was true – so was the reverse. The more she followed that line of thinking, the scarier the implications were. Anything and everything could change at any given moment.

In retrospect, Emily’s surprised that she hadn’t noticed this sooner. The Bellas were basically known for their ability to create disasters no matter where they went (she maintains that she played no fault in the fiasco that was DJ Khaled’s hotel room, she wouldn’t have had to break that window if no one had released the bees). All these disasters, no matter how bad, had always seemed repairable though. If they were kicked off the tour for ruining one hotel room, they could still spend time together on a kickass holiday. Whenever a performance went horribly, there was always another one on the horizon somewhere that they could do better in (she’s still banned her girls from any and all pyrotechnics though). Even muffgate had been mostly mitigated by their shock win at Worlds’.

That moment where they all realised they had no way out of that van was something else though. No one knew where they were, and no one could hear them scream (she also doesn’t want to watch any space movies anytime soon). Even Chloe and Aubrey hadn’t a single clue about what to do. She honestly thought they were all going to die that day right up until she heard Beca’s voice ask, “Guys, you know what we should do?” (She isn’t proud that it took all of them so long to cotton on to the distraction plan).

Deep down she knows it’s a bit obsessive, but she can’t seem to stop herself from looking around every once in a while in order to try and spot anything suspicious. She realises she’s not the only one feeling uneasy after Chloe suggests they all sleep in the same room that night. Whilst sharing beds had become commonplace throughout the tour, they usually dispersed into at least a few rooms by the end of the night. The others all agreed straight away apart from Fat Amy who had gone off with one of the military men earlier and Beca who was still meeting with Khaled’s entourage.

Finding room for eight girls to sleep in a hotel room meant for one was easier than it should have been. She’s not too surprised considering they fit ten people in a single tent that one time but it’s still a little impressive (she has some concerns for ~~Lily~~ Esther who insisted on sleeping upside down against the corner).

Someone puts on some music and they talk quietly about things that don’t really matter. Or at least Emily hopes so, she’s finding it hard to focus and hopes the others don’t question her unusual silence. Soon enough everyone has fallen asleep and all she can hear is light snoring and the soft piano notes of some song she can’t remember the name of. She’s not sure how long she lays there, but she’s lost count after the ninth or tenth song transition.

The music eventually crossfades into ‘Cake By The Ocean’ and all of a sudden Emily is transported back into that van and she can’t breathe. The world starts spinning a little and she lurches towards where the music is coming from, fumbling for anything that might feel familiar in the darkness. Her hands wrap around a set of keys and she decides to just leave the room (thankfully she had been laying closest to the door). As soon as she makes it out into the hallway she jerks the door closed and slides onto the floor. She can feel her chest heaving but she still feels like she’s drowning.

Desperately trying to distract herself (and not wanting to have to explain herself to any hotel staff), she looks down at the number scrawled on the key-tag and stumbles towards a room near the end of the hall. It takes her a few attempts to get the key into the lock but she knows she’s made the right choice when she hears the elevator chime as she opens the door.

Looking around at the bare room, she dives under the covers and screams into the pillows. Feeling, more than hearing, her voice crack, she rolls around and finally allows herself cry. She’s not exactly sure why she’s crying but she can’t stop - letting everything out now feels therapeutic.

Emily’s always been someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. She feels what she feels and everyone around her can see the truth written all over her body. She doesn’t know how _not_ to be authentic. Right now she’s feeling nothing and everything all at the same time – all she knows is that whatever this is, it _hurts_.

A loud banging at the door startles her so hard she falls off the bed, blankets and all. She sits there for a moment in silence as she tries to reorient herself. She briefly wonders if she could just ignore whoever was at the door, but then she remembers she’s basically stolen one of the other Bella’s room keys, so it’d be rude to not answer it.

She shuffles towards the door and opens it to find the last person she was expecting on the other side. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know what to say since Beca starts the conversation by blurting out, “You look like shit.” If it was any other scenario, she would find herself laughing at the face Beca makes as realisation of what’s been said hits. “I mean, you still look great. Just less great than usual. Umm, forget I said that, are you okay?”

A half-hearted “I’m fine.” passes her lips but she can tell that it is in no way convincing. “I’m just having some trouble falling sleeping, is all.” She feels as if Beca is looking right through her and is a little relieved when the girl breaks their eye contact.

“It might help if you try the bed instead of the floor.” Emily confusedly follows Beca’s gaze behind her and blushes as she sees that her blankets are still on the floor.

“I sort of fell off the bed and got tangled in the sheets when you knocked.” Not wanting to turn back towards the older girl, she makes her way to the blankets and tries to put them neatly back on the bed.

“So what’s on your mind?” Emily can tell this line of conversation is beyond awkward for the other girl. She’s practically allergic to feelings and emotional talk.

“Huh? Oh, just… things.”

“Must be some pretty heavy things if you’re still up at 3:09am.”

One of the things Emily appreciates about Beca is the fact that she’ll express concern but not be overly pushy about it. Somehow this makes her feel more obligated to talk about her problems. She slumps onto the bed and tries to put her fears into words.

“Every time I close my eyes I feel like I’m back in that van in the ocean again. I remember how no one knew what to do. The rocking motion as we swayed side-to-side.” She stops because talking about it only amplifies her feelings and she can’t breathe again and-

“Hey, hey. You’re okay. You’re here with me right now.” She feels a hand on her back and decides to concentrate on the circular motion she can feel. “You’re safe. Nothing’s gonna hurt you.” The world starts spinning a little again, but this time she feels like she’s spinning with it instead of against it. She can’t tell if Beca is saying anything else because her brain shuts off and she feels herself slowly lull into a sleep.

* * *

Emily doesn’t wake up alone. This fact alone wasn’t alarming, she’s been waking up next to someone else more often than not during this trip. She’s learnt that Aubrey like to cuddle, Flo is a huge blanket hog, and Lilly sleeps in a bed with her hands across her chest like a dead person. Jessica and Ashley both snore, Cynthia-Rose hates people who wear socks to bed, and Fat Amy talks in her sleep. The only people she hasn’t slept next to are Chloe and Beca, so the unfamiliar scent surrounding her implies that her bedmate is one of the two aforementioned girls.

With this knowledge in mind, she’s still a little shocked when she opens her eyes to see Beca. It’s not so much the fact that Beca is in her bed, or even the slightly intimate embrace they've both somehow found themselves in during the night, but the absolutely _serene_ expression on the shorter girl’s face.

For someone as closed off as Beca, she has a surprisingly expressive face. Sure, it’s almost always masked with a scowl or smirk, but anyone who’s spent a considerable time with her can usually also see whatever emotion lies beneath. Her steely-blue eyes were unable to hide anything - even in the few photos Emily has seen of her earlier, darker days.

This wasn’t the first time she’s seen the older girl sleeping – the sheer number of movies watched during Bella Bonding Nights made sure of that. But none of those times held a candle to the look that adorned Beca’s face right now. The expression before her though, was one she’d never seen before – not just on Beca but anyone for that matter. If Emily didn’t know any better, she’d say that the girl’s peacefulness was _contagious_.

Emily knows the thoughts swimming in her head last night aren’t going to disappear overnight and she’s going to have to deal with them sometime. But as she nestles herself back into a comfortable position, she thinks that everything was okay for now. She’s not out of the water yet, but she’s not drowning anymore. And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily is such a cinnamon roll, I wanted to give her a hug the whole time. Good thing Beca was there to do it for her :)

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally planned as a standalone two-shot but after finishing Beca's POV I can totally see a bunch of other minifics set in the same universe.


End file.
